


just breathe

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [18]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, Healing, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata), Sobriety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27648116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: Popola placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay? You’re shaking.”“I guess so,” she said, wrapping her arms around herself. She hadn’t even noticed it until Popola pointed it out. It explained why she felt so unsteady.“Come here.” She stepped in front of Devola, opening her arms.Without hesitation, she allowed Popola to hold her. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”“Are you feeling uneasy about something? What’s on your mind?”Devola shook her head. There wasn’t anything specific that she could point to as troubling her, and yet she couldn’t deny that she felt troubled. “I… want to drink.”---Devola is struggling, but she never has to struggle alone.
Relationships: Devola & Popola (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	just breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Going from researching alcohol withdrawal to researching instruments that could be made with limited materials was kind of a wild ride, ngl.
> 
> By the way, alcohol withdrawal is serious business and can actually be fatal. As an android, Devola has a much easier time of it than a human would, for a number of reasons... and Popola making sure she's literally never alone certainly helps her avoid relapse. While we have a new plot point to explore next chapter, Devola's journey is just beginning. I was trying to walk a careful line between, "She's an android, so she probably lacks a lot of the physiological mechanisms that contribute to addiction in humans," and, "Addiction is already stigmatized and not well understood by people who have never seen/experienced it, so I really need to make sure that this doesn't feed into harmful stereotypes or trivialize it."
> 
> For those who are wondering about the shakuhachi or what a shakuhachi sounds like when paired with a guitar, I recommend this video!!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e48VGeFFhjc

“Popola?” She could feel nervous energy building inside her. Every other time she had told herself she would try to cut back on her drinking, this was the prelude to her going back on that determination.

Seeing the urgency in Devola’s expression, she could tell immediately that something was wrong. “What is it?”

_I want to drink._ Her hands tensed into fists. Now that Popola knew about her efforts, it was harder to change her mind. And since actually drinking would require telling Anemone… She wasn’t at that point of desperation. At least not yet. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

“Sure.” She understood that it was about more than just going on a walk, but she wouldn’t press for details. Maybe Devola needed to get away from the camp for a while.

When Popola stood, Devola followed suit, walking quickly away from the camp. She wasn’t sure where she was going. The first thing that occurred to her was the desert, but she was sure she knew exactly what drew her to the desert. After all, that was where she obtained the desert roses that she used in making her alcohol. If she went to the desert, the temptation would only be stronger.

Intentionally directing herself away from the desert, they ended up crossing the bridge toward the Forest Kingdom. Neither of them feared the machines much, having become accustomed to defending themselves on dangerous missions.

Even after arriving, the two walked around aimlessly. Devola had hoped that moving around would help her calm down, but honestly, it hadn’t so far. If anything, she felt more uneasy than she had in a long time. It was hard not to think about how easily she could get rid of this miserable feeling with a drink.

Just one drink wouldn’t hurt, would it? That should be okay, right?

She wanted to laugh as soon as the words crossed her mind. She had tried that before, too. Somehow, ‘one drink’ was never just one drink for her. Even if she asked Anemone to only give her enough for one drink… she wasn’t sure she could really count on it being easier if she had one.

“Devola?”

Popola’s voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up, wondering what Popola wanted to say. Popola had paused her steps, so automatically, Devola followed suit.

Popola placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

“I guess so,” she said, wrapping her arms around herself. She hadn’t even noticed it until Popola pointed it out. It explained why she felt so unsteady.

“Come here.” She stepped in front of Devola, opening her arms.

Without hesitation, she allowed Popola to hold her. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Are you feeling uneasy about something? What’s on your mind?”

Devola shook her head. There wasn’t anything specific that she could point to as troubling her, and yet she couldn’t deny that she felt troubled. “I… want to drink.”

So much that she was shaking…? Popola wasn’t sure she understood, but she did understand that Devola was really struggling right now. It was unusual for her to be unable to understand what was on Devola’s mind in this way, which made her feel a bit anxious, but she tried her best to keep that to herself so she didn’t worry Devola further. “Why do you want to?”

“I don’t know! I just want to!” She held tighter to Popola, trying to communicate that her outburst was out of frustration with herself, not anger at Popola.

Popola bit her lip. She wanted to tell Devola that it was okay, but he felt like that would be insincere when she didn’t even understand what was bothering her so much. Then again, she hardly had any room to talk when it came to running away from one’s feelings. Maybe… that’s all it was. After all, she’d been with Devola the whole time. She knew nothing had happened to prompt this.

Still, neither of them understood why she was shaking. Substance use itself wasn’t all that common in androids, so certainly, withdrawal wasn’t something they had much reason to be familiar with.

But if this was all because Devola was too overwhelmed at the prospect of facing her feelings, then that was something Popola could help her with, she hoped. By lending her support so that they felt more manageable, or by distracting her so she didn’t have to think about them.

If Devola didn’t know what was on her mind, maybe the best thing was a distraction? “Hey, remember how yesterday we were talking about different instruments? This would be the best place to find wood, if we really were going to make a string instrument. What do you think?”

“Not right now.” She understood what Popola was trying to do, and she even knew that honestly, it probably would help to get her mind off of everything. And yet, the idea of even trying to think about anything else seemed impossible. She wanted to drink. She needed it.

She needed it, and yet she couldn’t. Her mind seemed to refuse to shift whatsoever, utterly fixated on the idea of how much better she would feel if she ‘just had a drink.’ She knew better than that, and yet still, no matter how many times she told herself she didn’t want to, she couldn’t think of anything else to lift this unbearable pressure.

Popola bit her lip. If Devola didn’t know what was wrong to talk about it, and she didn’t want to distract herself, it made her feel useless, unable to support her as much as she wanted to. Still, maybe she could help her stay calm. Popola rubbed her back and spoke in a soothing voice. “Okay. That’s fine. We don’t have to. Can you focus on breathing with me?”

Devola shifted, one of her hands moving from around Popola to feel the rise and fall of her sister’s breathing. It tended to calm her, and usually when they could feel each other’s artificial respiration or heartbeats, one of theirs would match the pace of the other’s. In this case, she knew that Popola would do her best to stay calm and keep her own breathing slow so that she could use it to calm down.

“That’s it. You’re doing well. Just keep breathing with me,” she encouraged. She could hear that Devola’s breathing was coming more quickly than her own, but the fact that Devola was being intentional in feeling the pace of her breathing meant that at least she was trying. She continued to offer words of encouragement, hoping that it would help calm her.

She felt her breathing gradually start to calm, and her head beginning to quiet little by little, although the nagging urge to drink still lingered in the back of her mind and her body had yet to stop shaking. Breathing helped though. Even if it was small, having something else to actively focus on seemed to bring her mind away from other, less wanted thoughts, and having it come from Popola kept her on track. She was sure that if she had to face this alone, she would have already caved and started drinking.

When Devola felt sufficiently calmed, enough that she felt up to doing something more constructive, she pulled away. “I feel a little bit better, but I’m not sure why I’m shaking. Could you run a scan?”

“Of course.” It was easier to do maintenance on someone else than on oneself, since having one’s own system compromised could sometimes lead to missing things. Popola used her magic to look at Devola’s system, searching for anything that was amiss.

Nothing was broken, per se… but there was something odd in her AI and physiological circuitry. Popola frowned, trying to see if she could figure out the cause. Whether or not it was something she could fix was a separate question. It wasn’t like androids just ‘got sick’ sometimes like humans did; unless they were injured or the machines infected them with a logic virus, it wasn’t common for their programming to just act up. The physical parts could sometimes, with age, though. It was possible this was coming from an aged, malfunctioning circuit somewhere…

All of them seemed physically fine, she concluded. She couldn’t find anything that was malfunctioning and causing this oddity. So, she dug a little deeper. Going into another android’s AI was typically considered a bit invasive, and she might normally pause to ask if it was okay. In this case, she and Devola had known each other long enough and done maintenance for one another enough times that they had an implicit understanding, and with it, an implicit trust that the other wouldn’t poke around more than necessary or change anything they didn’t need to.

Eventually, she found the cause. Devola’s AI, and even her physiological feedback circuits, had been changed due to habitual drinking. She had never seen anything like this. That their brains and body had some interaction in learning wasn’t news in any way – otherwise, their bodies wouldn’t be able to successfully carry out skills they learned, which would be quite a problem when it came to combat. She just hadn’t realized that they could learn from something like that. She hadn’t realized that Devola drinking would change anything aside from when she was actively drinking at a particular moment… She had thought it was temporary.

So, could she repair it, back to what it would be if Devola had never drank? Making repairs in AI was harder to do than most other repairs, especially for their models. When she provided maintenance for newer models, their data was much more segmented. Perhaps that was in part because many of them had been built with the thought in mind that their data could be transferred to other models.

On the other hand, when Devola and Popola had been built, they were the only type of android that the humans intended to have exist for the time being. Creating different models for different tasks… building an entire society of androids… Maybe at one point that’s something that ancient humans would have thought of, but when Devola and Popola were created, they had their hands too full with the White Chlorination Syndrome pandemic to even consider something like that, especially with Legion in the picture.

For that reason, their personal data was more mixed together than that of more modern androids. Whether it was because the humans thought this would more closely match a human brain’s communication, or whether it was simply because they didn’t know how to partition AI effectively, she wasn’t sure.

With everything so connected, modifying Devola’s AI to remove the impacts of drinking was hard and risked unintentional side effects. It was possible that she would end up accidentally deleting her memories of every time she had drank. Which wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world in some ways, since Devola lacked conscious memory of much of it anyway, but… certainly, she wouldn’t do something so drastic without talking it over with her first. But even if she couldn’t modify her AI, could she separate it from the physiological circuitry? That was what would be causing her to tremble, after all.

Carefully, she tried to unravel the alcohol-related feedback between Popola’s AI and circuits, restoring her physiological circuits to what they would have been if she had never drank at all. She was careful in doing this that she didn’t interfere with her AI too much, concerned about potential side effects.

Devola could feel Popola rooting around in her data. She trusted Popola completely, so it didn’t make her uneasy, but it was always a rather odd feeling to have an external force modifying her. She became aware of Popola’s success when her body stopped shaking.

Soon after, Popola’s magic stopped shining, and she offered her a reassuring smile. “Nothing broken.” She hesitated, unsure how to explain what she had seen but feeling Devola had a right to know. “It’s just… your physiological feedback circuits received some sort of response when you were drinking. It seems they were anticipating it, and acted strangely in response when they didn’t receive it.”

She made a face. She knew that humans and Replicants who drank too much had their bodies affected, after seeing one too many who spent too much time at the pub and ended up with stomach upset and a “hangover,” but those were short-lived and had never affected her as an android. Still, her face relaxed soon after. Since she was no longer shaking, Popola must have fixed it, so it probably wouldn’t be any issue anymore.

Oddly enough, the desperate craving she had felt earlier seemed to have abated just a little more, too. She wasn’t sure why that would come alongside having her physiological data repaired… but she also wasn’t complaining.

“Your AI has been affected by it too. But I’m not sure what other effects could result from me trying to modify that, so I left that alone. If you’d like me to change it, I could try, but…” She trailed off, knowing that Devola would understand her concern..

Devola shook her head. “I think it’s okay for now. Thank you for helping me calm down, and for the maintenance.”

“Of course.” That wasn’t something that Devola even needed to thank her for, although she supposed it was nice to be reminded that she was appreciated.

They smiled at one another, both of them glad that Devola had calmed more now. “So… instruments. What do you think we should play? I want to sing while I play, but drums also sound pretty fun.” Grinning, she mimed bashing with drumsticks as best she could recall having seen recordings of it.

Popola’s smile was amused at the sight of that, but it also reminded her of an important point. “We won’t have anyone to teach us how to play, you know? We’ll have to teach ourselves, based on what sounds right…”

“So we should probably practice where no one has to hear us. Got it,” she teased, although it wasn’t really a dig at either of them. It was just common sense that they wouldn’t be able to pick up an instrument they had never even held before and instantly have it sound good.

“I think that I want to play the flute. Maybe a shakuhachi?” Popola had been thinking over the different possibilities for a while. There were a variety of instruments she had considered, but eventually she chose the flute because it was the best balance of a sound she recalled enjoying and not being impossibly difficult to create. She remembered the beauty of violins, and she wished she could share it with everyone else, but… she also remembered there being quite a lot of intricacy in the craftsmanship, and it wasn’t like she or Devola had experience with wood carving.

Hmm, so something that would go well with the flute. A harpsichord was the first thing to come to mind, but that would be pretty inconvenient to carry, not to mention that she had no clue what the internal construction was like. She wanted something she would be able to sing while she played, but also something that wouldn’t be impossible to make, and something that would sound good with Popola’s flute.

Well… what about a guitar? It would be harder to make than something without a hollow segment like the koto, but the koto also had a ton of strings that would present their own challenge anyway. Besides, a refined instrument like the koto wouldn’t suit her in the first place.

“I want to play a guitar, although… I’m not really sure how we’ll build one.” She remembered how it looked. They would need wood, and metal… the latter of which was harder to come by now that they weren’t using dead machines as scrap metal, and the camp had sold most of their remaining supply to 6O and A2 for a garden fence.

Echoing Devola’s thoughts, Popola said, “We’ll need wood… We’ll need wood or bamboo for mine, too. I know there were metal flutes, but the construction of the keys seems a bit too complicated. …I guess it’ll have to be wood, since I don’t know of anywhere to find bamboo around here… And we’ll need some metal for the guitar strings.”

“I bet we could ask A2 for help finding some metal we can use for strings. Those Pods always seem to know where to find anything. As for wood… I guess we’ll need some metal to make an axe to cut a tree down?” It felt wrong to harm the environment by cutting down a tree for something so frivolous, but during their time living among Replicants, a balance had been found in which the Replicants would cut down enough trees for lumber when they needed to repair their homes or wanted to build something new, but also didn’t interfere with the natural growth enough to negatively impact the environment.

Seeing Popola’s troubled expression, Devola guessed at her thoughts. “Good thing 6O just planted some trees, right? No harm in cutting one down as long as a new one was planted in its place?”

Neither of them were really sure whether it worked like that, but it seemed plausible. And anyway, it was only one tree they were looking at cutting down. “…That’s true. Then, next time we see one of them, let’s ask if they’ll help us find some metal.”

While ‘one of them’ was a bit vague, the Resistance tended to think of the YoRHa as one group, so it wasn’t hard to figure out who Popola was referring to. Even if they saw someone else before the next time A2 stopped by, that person could easily pass the message onto her.

“It’s a plan.” Devola grinned. The nagging urge still hadn’t left her, but talking about something fun like this helped her to focus her attention elsewhere.


End file.
